morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
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Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
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I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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