that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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