watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
