Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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