I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
