I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
