i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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