were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
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I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
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Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize