My liver just broke up with me...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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