I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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