Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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