I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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