I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
