i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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