I accidentally burped into my bong.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
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At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
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I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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