Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
