Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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