I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
