I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Come share oat with me in your robe
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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