I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Randomize
