Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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