I wish I could teleport
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
