I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
