i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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