My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
