Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
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I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
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Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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