If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
