Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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