Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
