And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
