If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
