Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
