then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
