Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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