I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Less talking, more tequila
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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