this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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