Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I am one with the molecules
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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