my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
