If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
