He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Boobs speak an international language.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
