at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
