if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
