I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
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