got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
