fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
