She went from zero to smokin in five shots
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i love accidental penises.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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