You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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