i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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