Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So many bounce houses so little time
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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