I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I need a burrito and a hug.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
