Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
