hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Randomize
