dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
