Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
