His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
