Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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