If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
