Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
