I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
