Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
