i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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